Excerpt (3)

How do I say this? I know it will hang there if I say it. I tell him, The doctors think my mother is dying. 

He is quiet. A car drives by, its headlights tracing my hand. He says, I’m so sorry. 

I don’t know what to say. I feel bad for putting him in this situation. I never know what to say about death. Finally, Thanks. I’m alright. 

Did I ever tell you about my mother? This question throws me off, but, honestly, I’m thankful for the change in topic. 

No sir. I don’t think so. 

My mother was an amazing person. I hear was and immediately regret making him recount this story. I loved her a lot–more than anyone. We came to America as a family, but my parents moved back to Korea eventually. It was just me and my sister for a while. I actually started this business to help pay off my father’s debt after I graduated from the university. That was almost twenty years ago. Anyway, my mother came to see us one Christmas. I was around your age, and we were worried about my little sister–she became addicted to heroin and wasn’t doing well. My mother and I got into an argument about her one night, and the next day my mother was hit and killed by a drunk driver, a teenager. He was fine, but my mother died. All I could think about were my last words to her. How we’d yelled at each other. I hated it. I hated it so much. Do you like cars?

I thought I’d misheard him. What?

Do you like cars? I had not misheard him. 

I said, I drive one. That’s about it for my car knowledge.

Okay. That’s fine. So you know when you’re driving and you need to check the rear window occasionally? 

Yeah. I remembered he drove a Tesla and seemed to like cars a lot. 

Well what would happen if you only looked in that mirror? Or you looked at the mirror too long?

I guess you’d probably drive off the road. 

Exactly. You’d have a wreck. And the past is like that mirror–that’s what someone told me after my mother died. If you look at your regrets for too long you’ll hurt yourself and maybe someone else too. Looking in the rearview mirror is necessary to stay safe, but also remember to watch the road in front of you. Live in the moment you are in. You can’t look in that mirror too long or you’ll steer off the road.

This is not how I thought practice was going to go tonight.